By Cameron Hawkey
A large wooden door, carved with depiction of fruits, cheese and knives lead to this room. There are no other entrances or exits.
(40'x30', green plaster walls and 20' ceiling, wood floor, clean). There is a 1/6 chance that the Wizard is here having their monthly dinner (waited on by a gelatinous cube) with one of the goblin clans (3d6 members present) and Noya from room 4 (the imps are not invited). A lit candle chandelier hangs by a chain 10' above a long banquet table lined with chairs in the center of room. A painting hangs in a niche on the western wall and a preparation table is in the southwest corner, and on the southern wall 1d6 wheels of honeyed cheeses hang in nets from the ceiling.
>>The wooden dining table (20') has 6 chairs on both sides along its length, with a matching pair of finely carved upholstered chairs at both ends. Two large candelabras are spaced along the table. Next to the western candelabra is a stack of porcelain plates, and adjacent to them on a single white plate is wedge of royal blue cheese. On one of the chairs is a dinner invitation from The Wizard (1:3 may stop minor encounters in tracks if presented with sufficient conviction).
>>The preparation table in the southwest corner has a cutting board with a wheel of cheese (hard, holes, solid black) with a wedge cut out, and a knife block with 3 cheese knives. The black cheese tastes nutty and is nutritious but happens turns your blood black permanently
>>The painting (oil on canvas, 5'x3', 900 GP if undamaged) in the western niche depicts a standing rabbit on a hill, holding a bugle in one hand and a slingshot in the other. Behind the painting is a small niche with rinds of cheese (evidently forgotten long ago), an empty wine glass, and a single silver coin.
Room 11: The Cracker Kitchen
By Studio 315b
A stout wooden door leads to this room. It is locked but the keyhole is surrounded by scratches - sticking a dagger in there and wiggling it around is sufficient to unlock it. There are no other exits to this room.
Details: A great oven dominates the western portion of this room, and every remaining scrap of wall is covered in shelves, containing various baking tools and raw ingredients. Barrels flank the door, one containing flour, and the other water. The center of this room is dominated by a low table coated with crackers in varying states of completion. Large stone bowls hold rising dough, rough hewn iron sheets hold cooling crackers, and two adolescent goblins, each dressed in the garb of the opposing tribes, stand over flat stones, talking excitedly as they roll out dough to be cut into crackers.
The two goblins are Hysh (from the hard cheese clan) and Aruq (from the soft cheese clan), who met in the halls while exploring, and fell in love. The young couple are attempting to produce a cracker that can unite their tribes, so they can live together. PCs who offer exotic spices, or valuable advice for cracker-making will be offered bags of experimental crackers in trade and some information about the dungeon.
The crackers are decently made, if exotic in flavor and texture. Each cracker has a 1/6 chance of having a minor beneficial effect, such as +1 bonus to the next roll a PC makes.
Room 12: the hungry Merchant
By deus ex parabola
details: a cramped chamber with three cases of items against the walls. all are initially protected with a heavy, easily-picked padlock (10HP, plate ac, ignores attacks which deal less than 6 damage). on the fourth wall there is a 225cm ghostly-pale man (?) standing behind a counter strewn with oddities. his long digitigrade legs have razor-sharp dewclaws, and he introduces himself as Cen. the whole room is visible from the counter but Cen is distractible. if asked, Cen describes his items honestly. he is proud of his wares and slightly racist against those shorter than him.
Initially he sells:
1. null pond water. drinking from this bottle permanently removes your natural scent. dousing removes cheese odors. three doses.
2. helpful cane. a wooden stick to lean on. oddly, you can still grasp it when your hands are full.
3. fatal candle. all d20s rolled under the light of this candle come up as 1s or 20s. burns for ten minutes, can be relit.
Cen blames his problems (bored, sick of cheese, no customers) on the Hell-gate (room 14). he will ask the PCs for wine, sausage, and the destruction of that gate. he considers all of these to be equally challenging. on completion of one of his quests he will unlock another case, offer you one item as a reward, and make the remaining items in the case available for sale.
depending on how much the PC appears to desire the object, Cen quotes prices as follows: [Absurdly Expensive], [Half of Everything], [Everything You've Got]. if two PCs pool their resources he assumes they want the object very much and requires [Everything You've Got] from both. he accepts payment in all forms of coin and treasure, which he stashes behind the counter
4. skeleton key. when inserted into a lock, the lock becomes a skeleton as difficult to defeat as the lock would have been to open.
5. occulted mask. the wearer cannot be understood or described as anything but The Masked Man. multiple wearers are indistinguishable.
6. not-knife. while held, this knife is invisible.
blue jewelry box:
7. rock ring. steel band, feathercut topaz. twiddle it like a dial to alter how movable you are, from 0% to 100% (humans and elfs are 100% movable by default, dwarfs and armored humans 75%)
8. witch ring. silver band, pink semiprecious shaped like a hair bow. while wearing this ring another merchant (Maple Syrup) knows exactly where you are. you can shout at the ring to try and get her attention.
9. anarchist's compass. a crystal disc four inches across. a needle inside points to the nearest explosive. when used as a lens world seems monochrome (darker shade = more flammable)
10. truth ring. silver band, catseye diamond. the ring heats in the presence of liars, tightens when it hears deception. somewhat painful in the presence of politicians.
11. murderer's tophat. once a day, the wearer may cast Initiate Violence with 3MD. on a doom the hat is destroyed.
R: Shouting distance T: [sum] creatures D: [dice] rounds
Targets drop what they are doing and roll **Initiative** for a new combat. They take sides randomly, though the caster may decide how many sides there are.
12. obsidian lock. a padlock of black-and-red stone. once shut, the enclosed area can only be accessed by unlocking it: windows are darkened, walls are made indestructible. Cen does not have the key.
offered from Cen's side if you complete all quests:
13. magician's smallsword. blue-stained bone hilt, elaborate gilt knucklebow, black-and-white checkered blade. +2 medium weapon, cannot be used two-handed. all spells cast by the wielder are considered to have +1 [dice] value. responds to the name CONCERNED WITH ITSELF.
20HD outsider, perfect ac (can only be hit with a critical), morale 13
movement: as angry velociraptor (36")
morality: unique height-based theory of the value of life (Neutral Evil)
intelligence: cunning and well educated, easily but condescendingly impressed by those shorter than him.
attacks: giant undodgeable laserbeam (save vs. death), +2 smallsword (1d6+2)
magic: Name Reassignment ("THIEF!"), 2MD, at-will
Cen rarely sleep, and when he does it is with literally one eye open.
Leading out of this room is a corridor heading north, and a door leading to room 14 (stoutly bared, Cen will not open it until the HellGate has been closed).
Room: 12b, (the corridors above 12): Planegnawer Maze
By Panic Pillow
Floors covered in thick layers of dust. Cobwebs are very noticeable in the corners of the hallway. This area doesn’t get cleaned by the Gelatinous Cube, a clear indication that something is wrong.
Large sections of the hallway are covered with enormous mousetraps, one of which is triggered and contains a cow-sized ratlike creature, snapped in two. The rat-creature is a Planegnawer. The mousetraps have cheese to lure them. The traps either do lethal or loads of damage (enough to sever limbs), GM’s choice.
Near portals you can see pawprints, the size of human hands, disturb the dust and lead into a dead-end. These portals form a simple maze. Planar creatures can only travel from point to point, they cannot stay in the interplanar space that the Planegnawers occupy. The portals are part of the Planegnawers’ burrow. Whenever they are used there is a 2-in-6 chance 1d4 Planegnawers take notice and begin stalking the PCs.
The red T’s aren’t solitary traps, but rather areas that cannot be traveled through without taking a few hours to safely remove the traps. (1d3 turn per group of trap). It is possible to quickly trigger them with a long stick, but this makes a tremendous amount of racket (roll for random encounter).
The portals are color coded on the map to help the GM guide the party - they are not colored in the dungeon. They are very faintly visible as a shimmer. but will be missed by an inatentive party.
The door in the west is barred, with different portals on either side. The portals are bigger than the door, so if characters try to break down the door they or their tools will pass through as if they pass through air.
Planegnawer: Interdimensional vermin, attracted by dimensional portals. Love cheese.
Defence: as leather; HD 2; Move as a dog; Morale as cowards. Will run after a nasty hit or when unable to scare PCs away.
Infecting Bite: 1d6, or 2d6 when on top of someone. Save or get an interplanar disease.
Planar Tackle: the Planegnawer digs through reality itself and seemingly disappears. Next turn it hurls itself back into this world. Save or get tackled to the ground and shoved backwards (potentially in a trap).
ROOM 13: The Cursed Chamber
The corridor here widens slightly, forming a small square room with an alcove off to one side. A canvas tarp covers the floor the center of the room, held down by fist-sized stones around the edges and sagging slightly in the middle. The alcove to the north holds a hewn stone cube with a crown crudely etched into the face and the elaborately worked hilt of an actual sword protruding from the center of the top.
The tarp is approximately 10' x 10', and covers a square, 20' deep pit of the same width. The area around the edge of the tarp is dusty, as is the tarp itself.
At the bottom of the pit there is the dehydrated and brittle carcass of a CHEDDAR CAIMAN, mummified by the dry conditions. Rehydrating it will return it to life. If broken open (which prevents future revival), it contains the partially digested remains of two others of its species and a collection of thoroughly chewed golden candleholders worth approx. 30 gp.
The sword can be hauled out of the stone block in the alcove with a successful Strength check, upon which the block crumbles. The sword deals double damage to landed nobility, never misses when thrown at a target of it's choice within line-of-sight, and bears the name ALL WILL BOW - which it announces loudly when pulled from the stone or drawn from a scabbard. It is utterly convinced that whoever pulls it from the stone is the rightful heir to the highest office of the land by divine mandate, and will quarrel viciously with them if they do not pursue their claim as well as with anyone who does not give them the respect it believes they are due.
HD 2 HP 15 Size Medium AC 3 (AAC 13, DAC 7, hard cheese-scales)
STR 16 +3 DEX 10 +0 INT 3 -3 CHA 12 +1
Attack 15 melee cheddar chomp 2d4+3 crushing
Speaks Glimmer, greedily and maliciously
Notes Cheddar caimans are, for whatever reason, strongly attracted to gold and exult in tormenting and eventually devouring it.
Leading out of this room is a corridor that leads to room 9. Stairs to the east lead to an intersection.